Exploring Boundary Setting and Connections to Past Trauma
Humans are skilled at adapting to their environments and circumstances. Although it’s considered a strength, many individuals experience ripples in their lives because of it. For instance, people pleasers constantly accommodate those around them, and workaholics always say “yes” to the next challenge, project, and meeting. A common thread between people pleasers and workaholics is a lack of boundaries.
You’re not supporting yourself when you put everyone else’s needs above yours. Instead, you’re neglecting your rest and care. And before you know it, you forget about your needs entirely.
That is, until something triggers you, like an uncomfortable situation or a disagreement. Often these experiences bring out emotional turmoil, igniting your frustration and dissatisfaction. Without boundaries, you fall into a never-ending cycle of compromises. If you notice discomfort here, it’s likely tied to a deeper issue.
Exploring your discomfort
Your uneasiness with a current situation may stem from past trauma, such as an experience you avoided, an event you haven’t come to terms with, or an issue you thought you healed from but didn’t fully resolve. When reflecting on your past, it’s common for emotions to intensify, like guilt and shame.
However, assessing your emotions is helpful because they illuminate an internal problem. They point you toward something that needs to be addressed.
If you’re struggling to establish boundaries in your life, it indicates that you need to heal from something. Once you put in the work, you can create the necessary boundaries for better alignment and balance.
The vital role of boundaries
Boundaries are healthy parameters you create to honor, protect, and care for yourself. Although some people believe it’s a sign of selfishness, it’s the opposite. When you put your needs first, you’re taking the time to understand what you want and require to cultivate a happy life. As a result, you can show up as your most authentic self.
Having healthy boundaries means asking what you’re willing to tolerate. What are you willing to do for others? Are there factors you won’t compromise on? What are your values? Do you have a core belief (or multiple) that you want to maintain?
For example, if you want to refrain from drinking alcohol, this is a boundary worth protecting. Communicating this value with colleagues and friends is essential since you want to maintain it.
The beauty in discerning your wants, needs, and desires is forming a relationship with yourself. Here, you can implement a foundation of support, which you can extend to others if it makes sense. But you have to start with you. You need to learn how to care for yourself first. Otherwise, you’ll have an unsustainable life, filling other people’s cups while yours runs dry.
How to set boundaries in your life
If constructing boundaries is overwhelming, take a deep breath and acknowledge your feelings. It’s important to realize that everyone chooses what they’re willing to tolerate. And you’re no exception. You have the right to decide how you want to be and feel.
Here are four steps to defining your limits:
- Tune into yourself: What do you want, need, and desire? Set aside time to have an honest conversation with yourself. This practice will allow you to gain clarity on what best serves you.
- Consider your non-negotiables: What values do you want to uphold? These include beliefs that you don’t want to compromise on. For instance, if you’re a vegetarian, you value a plant-based diet. This would be a non-negotiable factor to protect.
- Stay firm but flexible: Once you determine your non-negotiables, stand your ground and stay true to yourself. But remember, there may be other parties who don’t share your values. You will likely encounter situations where you’re making decisions with another party. In this case, practice flexibility. For example, if you’re a vegetarian and you’re going out to lunch with someone, you’ll want to select a restaurant that meets both of your dietary needs.
- Articulate your wants, needs, and desires to others: After clarifying your boundaries, make sure to communicate them. Let your family and friends know where you stand so that you can maintain a healthier balance in your life and authenticity in your relationships.
This approach begins with an honest conversation and continues with transparency with others. So if you are in a conflicting situation, take a step back and ask yourself why. Then, express your feelings to whoever is involved. The last thing you want is to damage a relationship by lashing out. Instead, share your truth, set the boundary, and rest easy knowing you’re doing the right thing for yourself.
It’s time to honor yourself
It’s challenging to adjust a habit, such as accommodating others. But, like all habits, it takes time and practice. In addition, reflecting on your emotional turmoil and pinpointing the root cause may help you move forward. You can start this process by asking the following questions:
- Is there work I’m avoiding?
- Am I compromising my values by trying to be a good friend, a stellar worker, or something I’m not?
- Am I staying true to myself?
- Is accommodating someone else’s needs causing internal conflict?
Recognizing unhealthy habits, like prioritizing others, is one of the first steps to change. Once you determine the factors keeping you from the life you want to live and how you want to be, you can empower yourself to make the necessary adjustments for a healthier and more intentional life. Remember, boundaries are healthy, and everyone is setting them. So give yourself permission to take steps toward establishing alignment.
Are you noticing patterns that allow others to overstep your boundaries? Are you engaging in habits that could be linked to past trauma or learning from your childhood?
If the answer is yes, consider working through them with hypnotherapy. Hypnotherapy is a beneficial tool for identifying past patterns and trauma responses and discovering how to tune into your needs so that you can live a more fulfilling life.
Schedule a virtual session with Mindful Hypnotherapy of San Francisco today! I look forward to guiding and supporting you on your journey.
